DREAMS FOR TOMORROW
While I was in treatment for substance use issues; we took part in several different forms of therapy. One is art therapy. I recall one project in particular; we had to design and put together a vision board for our futures.
I was immediately put off by the concept. To me, vision boards were annoying. That is what rich white women did to kill time and ignore their children while their husbands were at work. I didn’t see any value in it.
I hated that I was expected to do something so absurd. I am a drug addict. Not the next up-and-coming “Boss Babe”.
This is a clear example of how my thinking had developed to work against me and keep me stunted in life.
The world I immersed in as I grew up, created a hardened personality. It caused me to have an aversion to anything I perceived as being “too feminine”. I struggled with my identity and sexuality a lot.
Sure, I was content with the fact that I was a gay man. I just had a ridiculous concern that my masculinity would be called into question. Driven by fear and insecurities, I developed an extreme case of internalized homophobia without realizing it.
Thankfully, part in kind to the therapy I received in treatment and continue to seek on my own. As well as the realization that I need to evolve if I am going to survive and grow in this world. I have finally been able to let go of some of those ideas and develop a more open mind.
I can see that a lot of my thinking and views had roots in misogyny and homophobia. I am no longer willing to allow toxic masculinity to rule me. I want to feel comfortable and explore new things and not shame doing so.
As I embark on this journey of self-discovery and growth, I can now look back and see the value in that vision board. It would be foolish to set off towards a destination you’ve never visited without a map to keep you on track. So I guess that is the purpose of this blog and project.
It will serve as a digital vision board of sorts, a therapeutic journal, and hopefully so much more. I wanted a place to organize all my thoughts and ideas, my goals and dreams. I want to be able to measure my progress and look back from time to time to see how far I have come.
I want to add a certain level of public accountability to my growth. I welcome the opportunity to get called out and questioned. If I look at it as constructive criticism instead of attacks and judgment I can only continue to grow.
I am not a professional blogger as you can tell by my writing. I’m no life coach or social media influencer. I have no education or money to buy my way up in life. I am just a simple man in recovery. I want more for my life and I am no longer settling for “Getting by”. I am willing to do anything to find peace, enlightenment and live a satisfying life.
At the time of writing this entry, I have $0.84 in my bank account and the amount of my debt seems unmanageable. I hardly have enough food to last until payday and I am riding my bike to work because I can’t afford public transit right now.
I have yet to achieve a year of sobriety (Currently I am 7 months sober). I am starting over with nothing. Complete rock bottom. I have an idea of what I want my life to look like and that’s it.
I want to achieve many things and it’s going to take a lot of grinding and hard work to get there. Here is my plan, what the focus of my energy will be and the course I have set out for myself.
The first year of this project focuses on healing, exploration and learning. There are a lot of life skills that I didn’t pick up in my adolescence or while living in active addiction. I need to start there.
I want to develop more structure and begin operating more efficiently.
I need to become more self-aware and continuously strive to be a better human every day.
I want to improve my literacy and writing abilities.
I seek to develop a mastery of my mind and rid myself of toxic thinking that no longer serves me and sets me back.
There is no sense in creating a better life if am not healthy enough to enjoy it. I will quit smoking, get in shape and transform my body.
I struggle with relationships of all kinds. I will begin the necessary work to strengthen my abilities to connect with others and welcome them into my life.
I want to begin creating some financial security and freedom. To do this I am going to need to learn to budget and save. I want to gain knowledge about investing and start paying off my debt.
I am going to learn to blog, study photography, web design and marketing.
I’d like to work less of a traditional 9–5 schedule. Spending more time living and appreciating this second chance I have been given. I believe I can achieve this by broadening my skill set.
I am going to live with gratitude every day and give purpose and meaning to my sobriety.
Some of the dreams I have and want to turn into reality are opening a bakery and café. I also love travelling and desperately want to convert a bus into a mobile home and spend time exploring North and South America. I’d also want to start a food truck that doubles as a mobile soup kitchen. I was homeless off and on for a few years and going hungry is an awful experience. Achieving my dreams would feel so hollow if I wasn’t able to take that success and share it with others.
I hope that as I continue on this journey, and transform my life into something extraordinary that this list will continue to grow and expand. I also hope that each goal I achieve offers hope and motivation to others to look beyond their current circumstances, dream big and live the lives they have always wanted but never thought possible.
That is the raw unfiltered truth about who I am today, I am excited to see who I am tomorrow.
Remember, excellence is but a dream away!
Yours,
Levi C.